Today marks a new day in my life. Ever since Sunday *yesterday*, everything is a different perspective. I have never felt so uplifted and encouraged in my life, spiritually and emotionally. I thank God for my Bishop and Co-Pastor. They have kept me in their prayers and have held onto me for a while now. They would not let me go, and I thank God they didn't. They truly are very inspirational and wonderful people of God. I thank God for his strength and for showing me the way and light as I wandered alone in the darkness.
I still remember the nights
When there was a darkness in my life
But then You came
Something deep inside me changed, and now I pray
I started to trust without fear
Knowing You'd hold me through the tears
Because of You
I've learned there's nothing love can't do
So hear me pray
Just a little help is all we need
Just a little light we can see
Just a little faith leads the wayI'll close my eyes
While I'm down on my knees
It gives me courage to believe
So I'll keep on believing, I'll keep on believing
As I begin my new journey in faith and change, I pray that my close friends will understand my decision. Even though my personal friends may not understand my situation, I know that my church family has got my back - not a select few, but all of them. However, there is this one person I must share with you all. He has been with me through thick and thin. The following is what I have been through in the almost 3 years of my life.
The Day I met him:
After graduating college, I took some time off during the summer to just relax and have fun for a bit. Two weeks later, I go to Gold's Gym to sign up for a membership and there he was working at the front desk. For the first week, he would say hello to me and I would say hello back. But then it happened. He made the first move, and I have to say it was very amusing. As I was walking towards the front desk where there were towels, he ran in front of me and sat on all the towels. I said, "um.. can i get a towel?" and he said, "nope, not until you tell me your name." I laughed and blushed a little bit, but I did end up tellin him my name, and he told me his name. Since that day, I could see him watching me working out from the corner of his eye. So that day I asked him why he was watching me and he replied, "I want to make sure that you are okay and not in trouble." It was a very sweet comment, but then I wondered if he had any feelings for me.
The very next week, I came into the gym very upset about a situation and he saw my anger. He then asked if I wanted to go to Starbucks and just talk it out. So we went to Starbucks and we talked for a couple of hours. I told him about my life and he told me about his life - about his family, his church, his friends, etc. And then that is when it came out. He invited me to his church. But because I wasn't a church going girl, I politely declined. Even though, he seemed a bit disappointed, he still called me and we still went out. But wanna hear something funny? When I was talking to him for those hours at Starbucks, I knew that he was mine. Something told me that this 6'2" 225lb man was all mine. The very next day we went to Glory Days and watched the Detroit Pistons kill the LA Lakers. I remember he tried to hug me, but I just nicely shook his hand and called it a night.
During the next year, we celebrated so many birthdays (not only ours, but our families and friends) and many different occasions. There was a whole new side of me that I have never seen of myself. He brought that side out of me. I was so comfortable around him. I could do anything and I felt so free. We went to a Tye Tribett concert at KD, and talking about KD, we went there at least once a week during the summers. We had so many great memories and times. We also had our down times, however, our good times outdid the bad times. The best thing about our relationship was that we complimented each other so well. His strengths were my weaknesses, and my strengths were his weaknesses. It was like we were supposed to meet at the gym on that one summer day. It was fate.
I Love You:
Til this day, I remember when he told me that he loved me. I remember it was during the time when I was losing my friends left and right because of my decision wanting to go to church and clean up my life. So many of my friends misunderstood why I wasn't coming out on the weekends, or to even birthday parties, or just a simple happy hour. I wasn't smoking nor was I drinking. So then I realized that I didn't really want to be in an environment where there was smoking or drinking. That was my own personal perference. My friends believed that I was ditching them for a guy, but that was not the case at all. Even to this day, I highly doubt if some of my friends even understand what I have been through emotionally, I wouldn't be surprised. Knowing this was going on in my life, my boyfriend at the time, was encouraging me and telling me that in order for God to work in you're life, he is going to weed some people out of your life so that you can grow spiritually. I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't even look him in the face. But then he got ahold of me and held me, while I was crying so loud outside his house. He was holding me so tight while I tried to push him away. But then I knew I knew I couldn't fight it anymore. As the tears stopped running from my eyes, he let go of me and was touching my face and wiping the tears. And then he whisphered (he had such a determined look on his face), "I'm falling in love with you. I love you, Ms. Jennifer Lee." When he said that, I was in shock. I couldn't say anything. I said a simple thank you and hugged him while weeping. However, deep down, I knew I had fallen in love with this boy as well. I was just scared to admit and commit. But there I was, in love with this wonderful man of God. After being with him for all this time, he had honestly asked me to marry him. He asked, "Baby, I love you with all of my heart. I would do anything for you. I love you so much. Baby, will you marry me?" and I answered, "..yes, of course I will." This was it, the fact that we would talk about our futures, I knew he was the one for me.
The Break Up:
There we were, being in love with each other. Our daily lives revolved around each other. Where I was, he was, and vice versa. We have spent too much time together, and it was affecting our spiritual lives. He had been in church all his life, but I had just begun to experience God. Our pastor, who happens to be his father, had said that "..God has been dealing with me about you two and has come to my attention that your time with each other has expired for now." And when I heard that, I was in tears. I might as well have tatooed the word "HURT" on my forehead. So then he and I both decided to separate for the best. But it was so difficult because we still loved each other so much. But we knew we had to do it. So we did - we parted from each other's lives. We had our final dinner. We went to Coastal Flats in Fairfax, and had our last dinner together. After dinner was done, we went outside to our cars and hugged each other as if we were never going to see each other again. Tears were running from his face and from mine. I never wanted to let him go. As soon as we both left in our separate cars, my heart sank and felt so heavy. It was very hard for both of us, but we tried, however, I would get phone calls from him every now and then telling me how much he missed me and how much he loved me. We would meet up at times and sneak around from time to time to just see each other - just to be in each other's presence. But one Sunday morning, our pastor called him out and made him stand up and said to him, "...when I say break it off, I mean break it off. No more sneaking around, no more phone calls, nothing. None of it." And that is when I knew that this was it. No more of him in my life. And that was the last I heard or seen him.
Signs:
It had been 4 months since I had seen or heard from my ex-boyfriend. I stopped going to church and everything. I had gone back to drinking, smoking, and going out to the clubs and bars. However, in my heart and soul, the way I felt about him did not change one bit - I still loved him dearly. But I knew I had to move on and so I met a couple of my friends' friends. I would go out and try to have fun, but it just wasn't working. I would go out with a guy, and didn't feel anything. I went on so many dates, but everything I saw on the date, reminded me of my ex-boyfriend. I did end up "dating" this guy, for the sake of this story, I will name him Bob. But during the week I was supposed to go to Vegas (this was in March), I dreamed of my ex-boyfriend. In the dream he was holding my hand and he said, "now do you know why we had to separate so that God can work in our lives? But we're together now and that's all that matters." Every night til I left for Vegas, I dreamt that. On my way to work before leaving for my trip, I saw my ex-boyfriend on the road, but I turned my head so that he wouldn't see me. When I saw him, it was as if a swarm of butterflies were in my stomach wanting to get out. It was the strangest thing. The very next day, I am out to Vegas. We go out at night and just drink. The very next morning, my phone was ringing off the hook apparently. My friend chucked the phone in my face and the phone just kept on ringing. And I had 13 missed calls. All those 13 missed calls were from my ex-boyfriend's house. Since I have not heard from him in all this time, I thought it might have been his parents, we were very close. So without even thinking who was calling me, I called the number and his sister answered the phone. When I said this is jennifer, she was screaming and saying hello and how much she has missed me. Then I asked, who was calling me, and all of a sudden I heard his voice say, "hey, its me." When I heard his voice, I didn't know what to say or anything. He was a bit different, a good and better different. We were talking for a little bit, and then he asked me, "are you smiling?" and I replied back, "why? are you smiling?" and he said, ".. yeah, I am. I've missed you and I was thinking about you." The next thing I know, the 10 minute conversation I thought I would have with him, turned into a 2 hour conversation. During my trip, I talked to him more than another person I was "dating."
Back in my life:
When I came back from Vegas, my ex was waiting for me at my house. When I saw him, I tried everything in my power to not look at him, to not even hug him. But he sat down and asked, "can you even look at me? or do you want me to leave?" And as I walked over to him, he stood up and he held my face just like he did when he told me that he loved me. And then tears were falling from my face and and from his face. I hugged him so tight, not wanting to let go. I looked into his eyes and saw the love in his eyes. I kissed him, and I felt butterflies and never wanted to be with anyone else but him. He spent the whole night with me. We stayed up talking and cuddling with each other. He held me so close the entire night, as if it were our last. I called in sick that day following day and spent the entire day with him. This was when I knew he was back in my life, even though he wasn't my boyfriend.
Collision Course:
Talk about a collision course. Ever since I saw him after Vegas, we were talking for an entire month and seeing each other. But then, he said that he had to get his life together, meaning that he need to take care of his spiritual life. We both could see that we were falling for it again, putting each other first and having our days be revolved around each other. And that was the last thing we wanted. So we would stop talking/seeing each other. But then a week or two later, he would call me and tell me how much he misses me and everything. I knew that he was battling with himself. He knew what he had to do, but he just couldn't do it, because his flesh was in the way. He wanted to be with me, but right now, he can't. In order for God to bless you, you need to allow Him to bless you and allow Him to show you the way. So we both have been battling. Even for my birthday, he came to my house and I saw him, and then again after that day, we decided to stop again. Then again, one Saturday afternoon, I ran into his mother and sisters at the Leesburg Outlet Mall, which was very weird. Then I ran into his father at night. The following morning, my ex had called me and asked about if his parents told him about me running into them. He said, "no, but I wanted to call you because you were on my mind." Then again, I saw him and talked to him. It was on and off. Then I told myself that I needed to stop this, so I tried to forget about him again. But trying to forget him, it did not feel natural at all. It was very difficult and uncomfortable. Memorial day had passed, and apparently he said that he had called me that Monday night, but I didn't receive anything. The very next day, I called him and we were just talking again and he asked me if was smiling and I asked him the very same thing. And he said, "maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaybe, haha, are you smiling?" and I replied, "yeah, I am." So even til this day, I have been talking to him and everything. We went out a couple of times. This past weekend we went out and just talked and was in love with each other.
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide
Even the best fall down someimtes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
You finally find
You and I collide
In this photo to the left, you cant make out who is who
Let alone try to find someone in this massive crowd
But somehow, you always seem to find me
Or do we actually find that you and I collide?
Back on track:
On that Sunday, I went to church. And this is when everything changed. This explains my new day in my life. I realized that the only person I was fighting was myself. I had to let go and leave it up to God and have him decide what is best for me. Even though deep in my heart and soul, I know my ex is the one for me, it is ultimately up to God. He already has my life planned out. I broke that shield down at church, it was broken. I never felt so free and happy, emotionally and spiritually, in such a long time. It didn't even matter if my ex was there or not, I was there because I wanted to be in church. And now, I am back on track. I cannot wait to go back to Bible Study on Thursday nights and Sunday services. I love my church so much and I love my pastors (who just happen to be my ex-boyfriend's parents). I am in good hands and in God's hands. I will be okay. Now as far as my ex goes you wonder, well, I love him very much. And I know he loves me very much as well. If and when it is our time, we will be together again in due time. But until that time, it is time for me to get back in the game and play for team God.
